She

Her heart does not deserve to go on like this. She spends half of her nights lying herself to sleep.

The Lies she has to tell herself came from your broken promises. Lies that hurt, smooth songs sung by you.

Bitter words recited day in and day out. She clinged to them because het heart loved the sound of your words.

Lies that kept her going;you love her,you can’t get enough of her. You respect the woman that I she is and cherish the love she will forever have for you.

She watched you break her heart with each word that was shaped with the very lips she was addicted to. The sweet scent of the love she desperately wished for lingered in between every kiss.

Your broken promises gave her some kind of hope, she clinched to it.

She tried not to think of you as she drowned in her tears. At this point she does not know what hurts more, your broken promises or her broken ribs and bruised heart.

She lay her love for you through everything. As you glide the world

She’ll love you in all shapes. Take her as a whole or take her apart,nothing will ever hurt as much as watching you dodge her love and wiping the floor with all her efforts.

Her heart aches for your touch,my body knows it is deeply resented by yours but her love for you is forever.

You woke up her heart,and killed her smile with your enchanting sweet scented skin.

She is more of a woman without you,her love for herself is more than enough to carry her through and sustain her forever.

She is a strong woman.

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Fadded

Dear Self

I need you to love yourself one more time,one last time.

I know you’ve been trying to do this all these years but you won’t have to be you anymore soon.

I promise I’ll wipe out all the pain, I just need you to channel all what’s left of your energy into loving yourself one more time.

Your head is full of all the words I keep throwing at you late at night when I’m sick of your tears and bloody hands

“It’s exhausting loving you

I always have to beg

Beg for sanity

Plea for your affection”

But you are worth every ounce of love.

Yes, sometimes I don’t believe it but I damn know it’s true .

I’m setting things right for you.

Hold onto the beautiful pieces of your world as I’m trying to build you a new one filled with love and hope and a concrete support structure.

I’ll never leave you no matter how much you beg me to.

Love your stronger self.

Her voiceless writing.

I remember how I never really liked the sound of my voice. Not in general but with regards to my writing.

I felt that the girl who wrote and the girl who read the writings were two completely different people,which in essence they are but with a bit of patience I began to understand that the words needed to be voiced,they needed to be heard.

The voice sounded unsure of the feelings inbetween every inked word.

It wasn’t moved by the emotions within the words.

I killed the poet and become a silent writer. I filled those shoes with much more ease.

I felt like the real writer was trapped behind this cold voice,that created a wall between this and that world.

I wrote myself into oblivion,I wrote so well in silence and darkness.

But the words needed to be heard,I could hear this powerful emotive voice in my head. It caressed the words like a careless lover,it owned the lines.

Girl undone

I hope my last breath is a sigh of relief.

My chest has been feeling a bit heavier than usual like my lungs are intentionally rejecting oxygen and begging my brain to play along and shut down.

Funny enough

“I’m breathing” has been my response to almost everything this few days but in as much as I’m learning how to take my life one breathe at a time

I’m battling.

I’m constantly out of breathe and mentally counting the ones I think I can almost catch.

I doubt my last breath will be a sigh of relief,it will probably be a deep slow painful inhalation.

Sunflower

Praying from the words of my own mouth is some what hard these days.

Praying openly from my heart is tricky,I can’t feel it. It’s beats aren’t shallow, or painfully fast- it’s as if it’s just not fully connected with my head.

I’m a sunflower, firmly rooted in rich soil, adorned with the light of the sun. It’s rays grace my soul yet I can feel myself shy away from the heat of the sun’s rays and it’s light and chasing shadows.

I’m chasing shadows , wish I could gather strength right now. I’m the sunflower, don’t belong in the dust .

I’m the sunflower.

Praying for love

Talking about sensitive subjects is tricky and I honestly have gotten good at hiding stuff and I’d rather not talk about it but writing seems to be easier and like I mentioned in the description of this blog, I write to heal and if this will help one person see that as much as it feels like we are alone in our silently on going battles, we are not.
This took about a week to complete because I kept getting emotional during writing and could not continue because, I have to beg myself to get up but I’m determined to.
I’m doing this one though, if not for me then for you; something truthful and real, pretty much a one go thing based on my current mood and head space.

No need for a compilation and list of characters. This story is about me, and (Spoiler alert) I die in it.

I’ll be honest; I am a sad, pretty morbid writer. It gets too much at times I know, but this is where my head is right now and in my head it’s not so bad

Here take a look;

I have been praying for love, trying to cast the shadows away.

Most days I am just a girl crumbling to her knees with a bruised heart, broken ribs shaken from the muffled screams ,scarred from the dried tears, wasted blood. Tainted by the world. I’m the pill popping girl no one seems to notice I’m the wrist cutting and dark poem writing girl who relates only to the made up stories of the dark those told to keep kids out of trouble.
Some days I dream of calm nights, and I don’t think I am strong enough to keep my head held high enough to find the peace in the sky and fall inlove with the beauty of the moon.
I wish I could stand in the shadow and not feel it’s shadows.
Been praying for love, wondering if I’ll know when it’s time to be strong and love me, maybe it won’t hurt.
I saw myself in those very shadows, cold and shuttered. Didn’t know it showed until I tried to let go and go.
What kind of love am I praying and waiting for?
The kind that will shine through the shadows and the kind that only comes from within.
See I am praying for inner peace, The type of love that will let me grow make it easier for me to thank you for showering me with your love.
But now, I keep asking myself why does my love keep hurting me only in the mornings? And I did the one loving thing, in my head I, held myself tight, loved myself right. Freed myself from the shame and doubt, was taking so long to get there. I have been praying for love, wondering if I knew how to do it right and in my head I finally figured it out.
I finally got it right, in my head I loved myself right. It took a few cuts and a bottle of wine and a few pills and I can’t thank you enough for setting me free, my love won’t end it. Never thought that in my head I’d get it right.

Mending the Sadness.

We get sad occasionally, we let stress beat us up and batter us down. We ignore the signs, fake smiling is easier. Drowning ourselves in caffeine makes more sense but before we get to the point where everything feels and is bad again we always feel ourselves drifting, you can always feel yourself getting bad again. You don’t have to give in to those morbid thoughts, it doesn’t have to be “your thing”
Personally I have never believed that talking helps, I would rather just ignore it all. The dizzy spells, the constant crying, the cups of coffee I keep needing to drink, the out of the blue agitation and anger burst outs, by now it’s easier to tell what triggers what but who do I talk to? What am I supposed to talk about? Openly disscus how crazy I feel on a daily? That would be admitting to actually being crazy, one of the things I cannot handle is not being in control especially of my own thoughts; so talking about my feelings and constant pain will only worsen things and heighten the problem.
WAIT… “The Problem”? I don’t have a problem. I just see myself clearly. There are certain thoughts and ideas that go far beyond just being ideas and thoughts. There are hidden but known truths, like for instances:
I think I cannot allow myself to be fully happy
because being sad and depressed is my way of
punishing me.
I failed myself for years on end,
I feel like I killed the little girl, her happiness,
her hopes and dreams.
She had no real happiness;
I can’t deserve any kind of happiness.
I grew up to forget about her,
her pain
and was quick to pretend that I don’t know what happened;
I didn’t feel what broke her.
I do all these things because
it brings back part of the pain and reminds me.
But I don’t want to be the broken little girl anymore,
I don’t want to be a victim of my life
for the rest of my life.
There has to be some kind of help out there, for the first time this is me reaching out or atleast trying to.

Scraps of Love

You give me little bits of insignificant nothing that you call love,I have seen people live off scraps of love and as petty as that may sound they survived and no one wants to just to survive.

I barely get the cast out bits but you expect me to be fine and well enough to glide passed those who beg for the scraps of love they are thrown with.

Scraps of love – dirty pieces of nothing that mean nothing to you,you decide to shower me with that and look at me like I’m ungrateful when I decide to rather live off my own love and not just survive the day but actually live it and feel it.

I gave you all of my good love and you claimed to have loved me back yet I watched you rip me apart and feed me my broken pieces. You made me belive that I deserve all the hatred and shallow love you gave me. You disrespected and insulted my love. You tore me down like a fragile insignificant sand castle.

Fears that consume me.

I fear you will see the hate I have for myself and start loving me less because,I walk around like a queen when in reality I think of myself less than a trampled flower petal.

I fear,all this wonderful love we are basking in won’t be enough to heal every part of me and I’ll slip away into death-sucide- and leave you here to feel nothing but all the hurt I am now feeling and wish you never in yur life feel.

I fear you will never see you through my eyes,you won’t know how much I truly and deeply love you because sometimes my eyes blur up from all the tears.

I fear I’ll never be enough for me and that will make you leave and break the tiny bit we were able to mend together into tinier- meaningless no one will ever find- pieces .

My biggest fear is losing you,to the world,to the darkness,to someone else,losing you as a whole. Losing us,the essence of love,losing our love ,your happiness,your smile,your warmth. Lossing your forever :(.

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